Reader Pride/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Come on Riders, let's go! Oscar Leroy: Ha, you're wasting your time. The Riders haven't been any good since the old days. Joe "747" Adams. "Polecat" Foley. Molly McGee. Oh, she was as tough as nails. Hank: Molly McGee was a guy. Oscar: I don't think so. First woman to play in the CFL. Look it up. Brent Leroy: What, dementia? Oscar: Joe Dementia played baseball, ya jackass. Brent: Could we have another round here? Lacey Burrows: So, how it going on the old griddle? Brent: Gridiron. Lacey: Right. Brent: Well, you'll be happy to know the Argos are winning. Lacey: Ah, I'm cheering for the Riders. Been a fan of theirs since they moved the team from Ottawa. Hank: Oh please football gods, if you help the Riders win I promise me, Brent and Lacey will all paint our faces green for a whole month. Brent: You're on! Lacey: Now, when you say "face..." Brent: C'mon. I thought you said you were a Riders fan? Lacey: Ah, I'm on-board. But when you say a month... Hank: Come on, we're running out a time. Lacey: All right, fine. I'll wear a Riders jersey and I'll paint their logos on my cheeks. Hank: You hear that football gods? She said yes. Brent: He's open, he's wide open, throw the ball! Hank: Yeah, we won! Yeah! Lacey: I'm sorry, I don't do that very often. Excellent. Davis Quinton: Hey Karen. Here's that mixed CD I said I'd make for you. Karen Pelly: Ooo, wow. Thank you. Wanda Dollard: How come she gets a CD and I don't? I like music. Davis: You want me to make you a CD? Are you ready for it? Are you ready for a Davis disc? Wanda: I'm ready for you to back up a bit. Davis: So, it begins. Helen Jensen: We're looking for volunteers at the Senior's Home. And we were wondering if you'd like to read to Mrs. Carmichael. Oscar: Mrs. Carmichael? I thought she was dead. Helen: She's not dead. So, would you like to volunteer? Karen: Fine. Oscar: You know who I always think is dead? That guy that played "Fish" on "Barney Miller." What was his name? Emma Leroy: He is dead. Oscar: Get the hell outta here. Karen: No, he's not dead. Helen: What about you, Emma? Emma: What about me? Oscar: Abe Vigoda. Helen: Would you like to bring some food to the seniors? Emma: All right. Helen: How about you, Oscar? Would you like to help out? Oscar: No. See how easy it is. Brent: You got something on your face. Hank: Huh? It's face paint. Brent: On the other side. Hank: It's all face paint. Where's yours? Brent: Oh, we weren't serious about that, were we? Lacey: Whoa, ho, ho. Somebody wimped out on the pact. Hank: No, no. I painted my face green. See? Lacey: Yes, you did and so did I because we are real fans, unlike Brent. Brent: I'm a fan. Look, that spearmint gum's green. These chips I'm eating got flecks of green stuff all over them. The washer fluid, all right, that's blue but if I put some lemon juice in there, green. Lacey: Do you use that lame excuse on St. Patrick's Day too? Brent: Fine, I'll put on the jersey, I'll paint my face. Don't bump into those green air fresheners. Go Riders. Davis: Here are three different versions of the covers. Which one do you like best? Wanda: Oh, ah, that one sums me up perfectly. Davis: The one with the spaceship and the horse? Wanda: It's a horse? Oh, yeah, sums me up perfectly. So, we done here? Davis: Oh, the finished product's a ways away yet. Wanda: Look, I just want some music to listen to while I scrub the crapper. Davis: I see. That changes everything. Karen: Hello, Mrs. Carmichael? It's Officer Karen Pelly. Mrs. Carmichael: I didn't know the watch was his. I can't see well. Karen: No, I'm here to read to you. Mrs. Carmichael: Oh, good. This is one of my favourites. Karen: "Passion in the Willows?" Mrs. Carmichael: Mmm-hmm. Karen: Ahem, OK. "The sun glistens off the bead of sweat that rolled down between Nurse Chambers' ample bosom. Her auburn hair danced in the wind as she glanced at his beefy..." Emma: Beefy what? Karen: How long have you been standing there? Emma: Since ample bosom. Well, don't let me stop you. Enjoy your smut book. Lacey: Coffee's on the house there, Rider fan. 'Cause that's what Rider fans do for each other. Am I right? Hank: No doubt. Brent: Hello sports fans. Now, before you say a word... Hank: Unbelievable. Brent: Or after you say a word. I thought about the face paint. But, I have a very large face. That's a lot of paint. And the thing about the shirt is, that tag really itches. Lacey: Phew. The tag itches on mine too. But that's what real fans put up with. Hank: No doubt. Brent: Yeah, but it rubs against this little mole here. That could be really annoying, am I right? Hank: You are really pathetic. Am I right? Lacey: No doubt. Emma: I brought you some leftovers from the Senior's Home. Oscar: That place gives me the creeps. Bunch of old people sitting around, not doing anything, watching TV. Emma: Actually, something kinda funny happened to Karen. Oscar: Well, tell me quick before my show comes back on. Emma: Well, she had to read this romance novel to Mrs. Carmichael. And it was all about rippling biceps this and ample bosoms that. Oscar: Ha, ha, that's funny. What else did she say? Emma: Oh, I'll tell you later. Your show's back on. Oscar: Ah, screw Quincy. Come on. Davis: Here's your CD. I think you're really gonna enjoy the oral journey. I even put some Journey on there. I listened to the disc while cleaning my toilet. Worked like a charm. Wanda: There's a toilet here if you want to listen to it again. Davis: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'll leave you to enjoy it. Oscar: Hello, Mrs. Carmichael. It's Oscar, Emma's husband. Mrs. Carmichael: I thought she said you were dead. Oscar: I'm not dead. I thought you were dead. Karen: What are you doing here? Oscar: Just visiting an old friend. Oh, story time, eh? Well, I'll just sit quietly in the corner and listen. Karen: Um, "Nurse Chambers' hot breath caressed the back of his neck. His supple buttocks glistened in the moonlight." Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sorry, my hearing's not very good. What was that in the moonlight? Karen: Supple buttocks. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Smut reader. Davis: So, how did you like the CD? Wanda: Fantastic, blew my mind. No need to make another. Davis: Which was your favourite song? Wanda: Um, song two. I liked how it came right after the first one there. You know, like right after. And sorta slid into song three. Did not see that coming. Davis: So... Wanda: So, we done here? Davis: There's kinda of an unwritten rule amongst mixed CD makers that if I make a mixed CD for you, you have to make one for me. Wanda: How about this, hear me out. Instead of me making you a mixed CD, how about I don't? Davis: Sorry. Unwritten rules are rules. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. She had to read this one part about being "ripe like a peach, ready for the picking." I thought she was gonna die of embarrassment. Emma: What are you doing? Oscar: We're having a good laugh about Karen. Emma: No, with my shoulder. Oscar: Nothing, just trying to have a conversation. I'm gonna take out the garbage. Hank: Way to go, Brent. You cost us the game. Lacey: We didn't get as many end zone points because of you. Brent: They didn't lose just because I didn't dress up. Rider Fan: Nice going, Brent. Now I have to tell my wife I lost the farm. Brent: You bet the farm on the game? Rider Fan: Well no, I'm just bad at business. But if we won I'd have something good to tell her. Oh well, we'll get 'em next time, am I right? Hank: No doubt. Lacey: No doubt. Karen: Hello. Oscar: Hot dog. Let's get started. I wonder what smutty shenanigans Nurse Chambers has got up to today. Ha, ha. Karen: Today I thought we might try something different. I brought the manual to my VCR. Ahem. "Dear valued Toshiba customer." Oscar: Save it. We want willowy passions, don't we Mrs. C? Mrs. Carmichael: I do love that book. It's the only thing I look forward to. Karen: Fine. Ahem. "She then turned and standing their was her twin brother Simon." Shut up, her brother's still alive! Oh-ho. Davis: And we would have won too if Brent had dressed up like he promised. Aren't you the least bit ashamed? Even Lacey, an outside, shows more support than you do. Brent: Dressing up doesn't make you a better fan. Until last week, Lacey thought the players went into a cuddle before each play. And Hank only wants to wear that green face paint so he doesn't have to shower. Being a real fan is about knowing the strategies and the coaching, and the players. It has nothing to do with two people dressing up like idiots. Hank: Real nice, Brent. Lacey: They can cuddle when they huddle. Wanda: Ta-da! Davis: Already? But you didn't even ask me any questions. Wanda: Oh, I've been silently studying you for a long time. This CD has been years in the making. Wanda: Shuffle, burn, done. Wanda: So, this completes our transaction? No more unwritten rules? I don't have to knit you a sweater or get you a puppy or anything? Davis: Thanks, Wanda. Wanda: So, you thanking me means we're done. Emma: I thought you were gonna stop reading that smut to Mrs. Carmichael? Karen: I tried. But you know, it's not as smutty as I originally thought. It's actually a pretty good story. Simon's still alive. Emma: I don't care, Oscar can't keep his hands off me! Emma: Ah, what's gotten into you? Oscar: Nothing. Can't a guy stretch? Emma: I'm gonna get you out of it. Karen: You don't have to do that for me. Emma: I'm doing it for me. Davis: Wanda! Wanda: Hi, Davis. I was just out for a run and didn't see you there. Davis: I want to talk to you about that CD you made me. Wanda: Oh, I really don't like to talk about the process... Davis: I love it. It's the ultimate mixed CD. Opening with classical music, then reggae, followed by a children's song then ending with whale sounds, brilliant. You are a CD mix genius. My CDs are garbage compared to yours. Wanda: No, yours aren't garbage. Davis: That's nice of you to say that. Wanda: Yeah. So, we're done? Lacey: OK, for the next game I'm thinking of making a little guacamole and sour cream dip. You get it? Green and white. Hank: Oh, yeah. I'd nosh on that action. Lacey: Oh, sorry. I thought we only did that after one of us said "no doubt." Brent: Oh, yeah. Go Riders. That's right. Take a moment and drink it all in. Lacey: You know, normally I ask this around Halloween but what are you supposed to be? Hank: I think he's the Jolly Green Giant. Brent: No, I'm Saskaman. It's a character I invented. I'm like you guys. Go Riders! Hank: Are you mocking us? Brent: No, I'm not mocking you, I'm one of you. Lacey: No, you aren't. Are there mirrors on your planet? Wanda: Who are you, the Green Goblin? Brent: The Green Goblin looks nothing like this. I'm Saskaman, super Rider fan. Hank: You're Saska-jerk. Super jerky-man. Wanda: You're stupid, stinky man from the planet Knobula. I don't know what game we're playing but I like it. Emma: Mrs. Carmichael. I'm afraid Karen won't be able to read to you anymore. It's against her religion. She's Muslim. Mrs. Carmichael: Karen's Muslim? Emma: Presbyterian Muslim. It's new, it's all the rage. Mrs. Carmichael: I don't suppose you could read to me? Emma: I'm Muslim too. Oscar: No, you're not. What are you doing here? Where's Karen? Mrs. Carmichael: She can't read anymore. I asked Emma but she said no. Oscar: Oh, I'll read it. Emma: No you don't, Mr. Randy-pants. Mrs. Carmichael: Someone please read. Emma: All right. One chapter then I'm outta here. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Davis says you're good at mixing CDs. Can you mix me one? Wanda: Oh, I don't know if I would use the word "artist." Fitzy: I didn't say "artist." Wanda: Oh, well it is an art to do it right. It takes time and effort... Wanda: Shuffle, burn, done. Wanda: And hear you go. Prepare to be blown away by the oral journey. Fitzy: I thought Karen was the smut reader. Brent: Hey, Hank. I thought us two super fans could go to the Bar for the next Riders game. Watch 'em stick it to those Blue Bombers. Hank: Nah, I'm not really in the mood. Brent: Hey, why'd you take your face paint off? Hank: 'Cause you're making fun of me. Brent: No, I'm not. Of all the stupid things you do, why would I make fun of this one? Hank: Whatever, Alaska-man. Brent: It's not Alaska-man, I'm Saskaman. Why would Alaska-man's face be green? Hank: Because it's cold. Brent: That makes even less sense. Karen: Hi Alice. Alice: Shh! Karen: My bad. Um, I was wondering if you could help me find a book. It's called "Passion in the Willows." Alice: Mmm-hmm. Look, I know the deal. You get your jollies reading dirty books to seniors. Karen: Jollies? I just want to know how it ends. Alice: Maybe you could try the library in Smutsville. Emma: "Nurse Chambers was..." Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough. "Waiting for him." Mrs. Carmichael: Are you sure Karen can't come back? Oscar: No kidding. This is like listening to a chainsaw. A chainsaw that can't read. Karen: Hello. Mrs. Carmichael: Karen. At least one of my prayers was answered. Oscar: Now we're gonna hear some good reading. Karen: All right. Let's see if these two lovebirds get caught. Brent: Hey, Lacey. Rider game coming up, you wanna go? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were somebody else. Young Woman: Who are you supposed to be? Marvin the Martian? Brent: Marvin the Martian's face was black. Geez, you people and your references. Lacey: Hey, Swamp Thing. I'm over here. Brent: Hey, where's all your green stuff? Lacey: I took it off, you made your point. You're the best fan, the smartest fan, the most dedicated fan. All hail Sasquatchman. Brent: I'm here in support. And I'm not Sasquatchman or Alaskaman or Marvin the Martian or fat Kermit. Fitzy: Well, aren't you clever. Wanda: Another satisfied customer. How was your CD? Blow your mind, freak out your soul. Fitzy: "Stupid Boy." "Idiot Wind." "Thick as a Brick." I know what you're trying to say. I'm an idiot. Wanda: Look, I just hit shuffle and burn ten songs at random. Davis: Not mine, right? Wanda: Of course not yours. Fitzy: A polka song. A Broadway musical. Chapter from "A Year in Provence." Wanda: OK, yours too. Davis: I don't believe it. You've broken the first unwritten rule of CD mixing. Thou shalt not shuffle. Wanda: I thought you said there were no more unwritten rules? Fitzy: Can you make me a CD? One that doesn't call me stupid? Davis: And so, it begins. Wanda: So, we done here? Lacey: Whoa. Josh, fire up the grill. I think I can retire after I feed these two. Hank: Hey guys. Riders are gonna win tonight. Lacey: Oh, are you fans? Hank: They play for the Riders. Lacey: Oh, right. That is what I was saying. That was just a little fan humour because that's what we do, as fans. Hank: She's, you know. Brent: Whoa. Gene Makowsky and Matt Dominguez. Lacey: And you know what else? They play for the Riders. Hank: What are you guys doing here? Brent: They probably came to see their biggest fan, right? Word probably got out that there was this huge Roughrider fan in Dog River and they came to see me for themselves. Gene Makowsky: Actually, we were just looking for some coffee. Matt Dominguez: Quite the get-up though. Hank: Actually, that's pretty lame, eh? Dominguez: I think it's pretty cool. Makowsky: You're like a man from Saskatchewan. Like a Saskatchewan man. You're like Saskaguy. Hank: Saskaman. Brent: No, Saskaguy, it's always been Saskaguy. Makowsky: Hey Saskaguy, here's a couple of tickets to our next game. Brent: Whoa, thanks. Actually, could I get one more? There's a couple people I'd really like to take with me. Makowsky: Sure. Emma and Oscar: Go Riders! Brent: Go Riders! Emma: Are you mocking us? Brent: No. Karen: "Lieutenant Wilson kissed her gently on her perfectly formed ear. Then he glided out of the room knowing he would never see her again." Wow, I didn't think it would end like that. Ah, pretty good book, huh? Mrs. Carmichael? Mrs. Carmichael? Category:Transcripts